Let’s talk about sex , baby! Lets talk about sex (addiction)!

Sex is a natural human activity, a way to express love and connection. Sex can be fun solo or with partner(s), so how can it be a problem? For many, sex can become an addiction. While there are many points on the continuum to discussing sex, for our purposes we will focus on addiction to sex. 

Then what is sex addiction?

Addiction is a common term; one often overused and over simplified. In fact people make flippant remarks about being ‘addicted to’ tv shows, a specific drink or roller coasters for example. This generalizing can diminish the seriousness of addiction to those that are truly trapped in its grips. The American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) looks at the “interactions among brain circuits, genetics, the environment, and an individual’s life experiences” to assist in identifying when a person has an addiction. They go on to say that addiction can be of substances or behaviors. 

Also referred to as a compulsion, being hypersexual or having out-of-control sexual behaviors, sex addiction is one of the core treatments at the International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP). They have defined sex addiction as “a pathological relationship to a mood altering experience (sex) that the individual continues to engage in despite adverse consequences.” That can be a complex definition so let’s break it down into every day language. 

• Pathological refers to the abnormal connection between the cause (addictive behavior) and effect (consequences) of a condition on a persons physical and psychological health. 

• Mood altering is the ability of a substance, activity or object to change moods. 

• Adverse consequences are unwanted, unhealthy, or unsafe outcomes due to engaging in the behavior. Arrest, physical injury, loss of employment are examples of adverse consequences to any number of addictions.  

Addiction treatment professionals follow common rules related to the identification of addiction. As a therapist it’s important to distinguish between a clinical diagnosis or a behavioral observation; depending on the experience and licensure of the therapist some are able to provide a clinical diagnosis like those found in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) or the International Statistical Classification of diseases and Related Health Problems (ICD). 

Sex addiction can include behaviors such as: voyeurism (e.g. peeping toms), exhibitionism (e.g. flashers), frequent anonymous sex, paying for sex (e.g. engaging in prostitution), and pornography use, including role play, cosplay, amateur, type of sexual positions, etc.  

I like sex, a lot! Does that mean I’m addicted to sex? 

Absolutely not! Sex brings with it innumerable benefits, including enjoyment, connection, confidence and procreation.  That fact that you enjoy sex, makes it that much more pleasurable! Sex as a addiction is when the individual has lost much of the pleasure and intimacy of the act and is focused more on meeting their cravings or urges (remember that pathological relationship mentioned above). 

Just as in identifying other addictions, such as substance, gambling, or nicotine, there are criteria that must be met. Some of those criteria include:

• Loss of control—engaging in the compulsive behavior more than you intended to

• Efforts to stop—repeated attempts to stop the compulsive behavior without success

• Loss of time—significant amounts of time is spent getting ready, engaging or recovering from engaging in the behavior. 

• Continue despite consequences—even though the individual may experience adverse consequences, they continue to engage in the compulsive behavior

Please note that this is not a comprehensive nor conclusive indication that someone is addicted to a substance or behavior. You are encouraged to  speak with a licensed therapist if you are concerned about your own or someone else’s behaviors.

Now what? Is there treatment available? 

Treatment does exist for someone with sex, porn or love addiction. It’s important that the therapist you work with has experience helping those in sex addiction but it’s not essential that the therapist have a certification in sex addiction. Consider it an added Sarah at Total Wellness 365 is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, Candidate through IITAP. Prior to getting her certification she has worked with those in addiction for over 10 years.

Therapist working with sex addiction clients will help them develop a clear understanding of their specific addiction cycle. Then teach skills to interrupt the cycle by creating a plan to incorporate healthy replacement behaviors, reducing risk and increasing wellness as a new lifestyle. Recovery is takes time; it also takes hard work, patience and support. If you or someone you know are interested in learning more about this subject, here are some additional resources. If you are interested in finding a sex addiction therapist, you can search here.  

We all need a measuring stick

Have you ever been pressured to participate in something but you felt really uneasy with it? Like so much so that your guts were churning, your head ached and you felt frozen? One reason could be because it goes against your internal Value system. 

A what?! 

What is a personal value system

A personal value system helps us navigate difficult situations and guide us toward decisions or responses that align with who we are. Values, morals, or what's important to us, are ever present. It also directs us to the people we invite into our lives and how we treat others. 

For example, you get a call from someone you used to be friends with and they want to rekindle the friendship. You're torn because although you feel compassion for the person as they were often the butt of many jokes you also recall feeling very uncomfortable around them and how they treated others. What do you do? 

You go back to examine your values. If we tease out some key points from this example above we see that you value comfort and trust in relationships while also hold compassion for others at great value. These seem to be in contradiction though. So now what? Now we place them in a hierarchy. Which is more important and which will lead to greater satisfaction for you. 

A personal value system takes time and experience to develop. It's not something that pops up overnight. Rather we adopt or adjust some that we inherited from our childhood, we develop others because of our social circles or spiritual practices. Still others are formed from past experiences, whether those experiences be positive or negative. Main categories of value systems are also present in the #4pillarsofwellness that I discuss with my clients-- relationships, spirituality, physical health, and profession. 

Each day we demonstrate our personal value system to the world. It colors every decision we make, and it's present in each action we take. Are we confident in our value system? Since we as individuals are not islands, what we do, what we say, has impact upon those around us. The more we live true to our personal values, the greater the impact we have on our moods, decision-making, and surroundings.

So now whose thinking, "how do I identify my value system?" 🙋🏻‍♀️ Good!

So here's some tips to get started:

1. Write a list of everything you value. Consider characteristics or qualities of persons. Even list material things or experiences

2. Group like things together. For example, you may have listed trustworthy, sincere and committed. These could be grouped together into a category of steadfast/ loyal. Another way to categorize them is by what is important in yourself and what's important you see in others.

3. Place them in rank order of importance. What is the most important value to you? Second most? Etc. by creating a ranking it assists you as you measure all future situations against this criteria.

4. Understand that value systems are not static, in fact the more static they are the greater the chance that we can harm or limit ourselves. Be open to adjust your values based upon evidence not emotion.

For more information about personal value systems, check out this article. If you find you need more assistance, reach out and ask for help!

In like a lamb, out like a lion!

Did I getcha? Yep that's not the true version of the adage. The old saying applied to the month of March--'in like lion, out like a lamb'-- talks about the changes that are going to occur. The change in weather patterns from bitter cold to warmer daytime; the buds on trees and the tulips and daffodils pushing through the cold dirt. Spring is in the air during March! People start to open the windows, dust off the garden tools and head outside.

I think the same philosophy should apply to us too. Those of us in the cold climates tend to do some hibernation. So when the seasons change, we should change with it.  Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a real thing folks but not all of us have it. Some of the criteria for include low energy, feelings of depression, sluggish and low motivation, loss of interest in activities, difficulty sleeping, weight gain, overeating....The list goes on. How many of you through, hey i have those symptoms! Well, to be truly diagnosed with SAD these symptoms, which mirror those of clinical Major depression, must occur during specific seasons for at least 2 years. Yep, 2 years time of documented symptoms. 

Some of us actually have a lesser degree of these symptoms and therefore would not meet the criteria for SAD. That doesn't mean that you don't need a boost during those winter months. And now is your chance! Here are some tips to incorporate now with the season changing: 

• Get outside! sunshine does the body and the brain good! not just the movement or walking around, but the fresh air and the sunshine help the body heal and blows off the cobwebs. Specifically, exposure to natural sunlight (or even from a lightbox) can increase the amount of serotonin in the brain, stabilizing mood and sleep patterns. 

• Talk to someone! finding someone to talk to on a set schedule will at minimum increase your mood for a part of the day. Talking with a mental health professional can also be advantageous because you can learn your unique triggers and how to overcome them. 

• Eat right! There is a definite connect between the foods we eat and how it effects of moods. Eating processed, high sugar, foods during the colder months increases our need to continue to eat them (sugar is addictive!) and increases the impact of energy and depression. 

Take advantage now of the warm days and sunshine. Implement the aforementioned tips and pay attention to how they work for you. Then jot those down to remember for Fall/Winter of 2018. Lastly, if you want additional help with learning how your foods impact your moods, and the balance of healthy lifestyle choices to beat the winter blues, then check out my Wellness 365 program. We will work together over a series of individual sessions so you can achieve Total Wellness 365 days a year!

Then you can truly end the month of March like a Lion! ROAR!!