Top 5 Boundaries for Your Total Wellness

Boundaries— a common topic within therapy sessions, conversations, blog posts and social media. Let’s just start with a working definition of boundaries though. According to the dictionary, boundaries are lines that mark the limits to an area; a limit to a subject of sphere. A psychological definition is similar but it is applied personally. They are limits set on how we respond, act, engage with other people, and how they respond, act and engage with us. Boundaries typically originate from our experiences and observations, both past and present. We can look at boundary setting in two ways; as fences and gates.

Fences + Gates

Have you ever had an unproductive conversation with a coworker? You may have to set a new boundary to have conversations in person rather than email.

Ever leave a family gathering feeling emotional drained? You may have to create a boundary that you’re unwilling to be the listening ear for others while sacrificing your fun.

Ever feel like you’re lost your connection to friends? Maybe the boundary is to open your calendar to say ‘yes’ more.

Boundaries can be like fences, limiting others’ access to us and our energy. Or they can be like gates, where we allow a controlled amount of access to ourselves and our energy. Boundaries can be set in any relationship—intimate partners, friends, family, professional—and are malleable. We can establish or reestablish them based on our current life experiences and observations.

Top 5 boundaries for your total wellness

Here are the top 5 categories of boundaries commonly discussed in therapy:

1. Relationships. Labeling or defining the relationship, sexuality and intimacy.

2. Time. Saying yes when you mean no. Being expected to participate or help despite not being consulted on your availability.

3. Being the fixer/savior. If you are always being asked to problem solve for others, you may be their savior. jack of all trades types that everyone relies on.

4. Your body. What you wear, how you look, comment from others, etc

5. Family. Presence and participation in family activities, traditions and values that no longer align with yours.

Any ring a bell for you? Setting boundaries in these areas can be hard if we’ve not felt the need or even opened our mind to the benefits they bring. To get started, evaluate recent situations where you felt uneasy or unsatisfied. What contributed to that feeling? Look back to text messages, social media posts, or even screen shots, and memes you sent around that same time. These can be hints to what we were feeling/thinking during that situation.

As Brene Brown states, “Daring to set boundaries is about loving ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” The more clarity and certainty you have about your boundaries, the more consistent you will be enforcing your them with others.

Be Well!

4 themes in treating porn addiction

Exactly what is involved in treating my porn addiction?

You think you have a porn addiction, or someone you love has told you that you need to get treatment for your porn use. If you are questioning what a porn addiction is or how to determine if you have one, take a look at this previous blog. Or consider this very brief description: If you find that you have a loss of control, tried and failed to stop, lose track of time when engaging in porn use, and continue use despite consequences, you may be have compulsory or addictive porn use.

Yep, that fits

If those factors mentioned above sound familiar then the next step is to decide if you want to stop. Very few people can say they have been successful at stopping a behavior when forced to do so. Even in the most strict environments people still must choose to change. Change takes courage, resources, knowledge and support.

Once you decide to reach out for help there are some components that are essential in effective porn addiction treatment. Let’s take a look.

4 Main Components

technology

Most porn use is accessed through the internet. In fact according to recent statistics, every second:

• 28,258 users are watching pornography on the internet.

• $3,075.64 is being spent on pornography on the internet.

Since pornography is so accessible online, whether at home or work, keeping your internet browsing secure is one way to limit the access to factors that can trigger you. There are multiple apps or programs available to install on your computer/devices that help block, interrupt or report your access and time on pornography sites. Enlisting the help of a loved one is another way to help you.

support

Whether your support system comes from a family member, friend or community they are each an integral piece of building and sustaining recovery. However what some don’t consider is inviting someone into your support system needs to know all those nitty-gritty details of your behavior. Disclosure to a support person is different from disclosure to an intimate partner (something for another blog).

Support persons are ideal when they have characteristics that demand accountability and honesty from the addict. When considering whom could be a support person, consider these factors:

• Accessibility: are they available to you when you need them?

• Accountability: will they hold you responsible for your behaviors or let some slide?

• Openness: will they be honest with you about their own experience and/or limitations when supporting you? Will they be aware of their own opinions and help you develop healthy strategies for you?

• Commitment: will they be there for the whole journey?

A support person may even be someone from the local sex addicts anonymous (SAA) or sex and love addicts anonymous (SLAA) groups.

Abstinence

One of the core guidelines when participating in recovery from porn addiction is abstinence. Abstinence is about purposefully and deliberately choosing not to engage in an action or practice that is wanted or desired. A secondary behavior that coincides with porn addiction is masturbation. Therefore abstinence is creating a ‘clean slate’ behaviorally that includes active steps to cease porn use and masturbation. Many addicts fear that this is a lifetime requirement for sustainable recovery but the bottom line is that a recovery success plan is created in collaboration with your therapist that is uniquely healthy for you.

As hard as it may be to accept or practice, abstinence from the behavior is the most direct route to beginning recovery. A part of recovery is to uncover how your behavior was initially triggered and became the addiction that it is today. Creating emergency plans or behavioral intercessions when those urges arise, is a key conversation with your therapist (and or support person) when starting recovery.

Environmental Cues

Managing your environment and triggers is part of recovery, part of your success. When addiction has its grip on you, it’s hard to be fully aware of the triggers or environmental cues that are increasing your urge to use the porn. Uncovering those environmental cues is essential in creating a safe space for you.

What are environmental cues? These are the sights, sounds, smells and sensations that are present when we engage in a certain behavior. For example, each evening after work you routinely sit in your comfy chair at home, pull a fuzzy blanket over you, grab the remote and sip some wine. Each time you do, these actions are intricately linked in your brain. But then you decide that you want to cut back on your alcohol consumption. The next time you sit in that chair, pull up the fuzzy blanket and grab the remote, you’ll be reaching for that glass of wine that isn’t there. The same idea applies to porn addition. You have created a connection that when you see, smell, hear and feel something, your brain inevitably tells you to start looking at porn.

Working with a therapist, you can dissect the linked behaviors, or rituals, that coincide with your porn use. Then begin to remove and replace those behaviors with something more aligned with your treatment goals.

Now what?

The first step towards recovery is to admit that you are not in control of your porn use; instead, it controls you. Working towards recovery is a marathon, not a race. Reread the sections above and see what changes you can make in your life now. Even one change will make a difference. And that one change can foster hope for more changes to be made. Finally, remember you are not alone in this journey. Finding support through local recovery groups and a therapist specializing in porn, sex and love addiction is essential for your sustained sexual wellness. Be Well.