Intimate Partner Betrayal

Betrayal is the violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence. It is a conflict that can be experienced within any type of relationship; familial, romantic, friendship, and collegial. It can leave the individuals broken, angry, and searching for answers, much like in times of grief and loss. Betrayal is not solely sexual in nature either. It can take the form of financial, emotional, spiritual, or physical violations of trust. The type of relationship and trust that is betrayed doesn’t lessen its impact however. The most commonly discussed type of betrayal is that within an intimate relationship.

What is Intimate Partner Betrayal?

Intimate partner betrayal is when one partner uses deception, lies, and manipulation to violate the boundaries within the relationship. Just as there are multiple layers of contract or trust with an intimate partner, there are as many layers of betrayal. Intimate partner betrayal is not so much about the sexual act itself. Rather it’s about the moral infringement within the relationship. Values within an intimate partnership include trust, honesty, loyalty, sense of security, belonging, and love. When one of those is broken by one partner acting out sexually, it creates a chasm and requires care and attention. Betrayal trauma can be deep rooted for some partners especially if they have past traumatic experiences related to moral infringements.

Discovery

According to a small survey from 2021, 46% of people admit to infidelity (aka cheating), with kissing another person as the most frequent type of infidelity. This same survey also found that guilt was the most common reason for disclosure. But disclosure usually comes in what is called “trickle truths.” Little bits of truth of behavior in an attempt to either keep the behavior going, or to avoid the response and hurt the full truth will inflict on their partner. During this time, the partner has encountered suspicious behavior and deception. They have learned to doubt themselves and the truth about what they see. They can justify or normalize behaviors of the addict. Discovery day (“d-day”) is the day when the betrayed partner uncovers some, more, or all of the addicts behaviors. Discovery days look different for each relationship. Then the catalyst of crisis is uncovered.

At this time of crisis, the partner is in emotional turmoil. Intense information seeking occurs, confrontation, ultimatums and seeking help are usual responses. The addict however is offering “trickle truths” about their behaviors. Most fear that the full truth will hurt the partner more than maintaining the lies; others are afraid of the partners responses.

Recovery

Many of the signs and symptoms experienced by the betrayed partner meet much of the diagnostic criteria for PTSD. Intrusive or obsessive thinking, difficulty concentrating, blaming, loss of libido are all signs consistent with betrayal and post traumatic responses. Recovery and healing has three parts; treatment and recovery for the addict, healing and self discovery for the partner, and, if the partners want to remain together, joint therapy to begin to establish boundaries and rebuild trust within the relationship. Much like grieving, the recovery process from betrayal is not linear nor is it standardized in duration. It is a fluid process.

Recovery for the addict is about uncovering the addiction cycle and behaviors that contributed to their betrayal, and creating emotional restitution.

Recovery for the partner is about building empowerment, resourcing for self care, empathy and education.

Recovery is possible. Healing is possible. Restoration is possible. It all takes time, effort, commitment and trust. In the end, discovery day can turn into decision day about the future for each partner and the relationship as a whole.

Be Well.

Food Play in the Bedroom

Have you ever notices the many commonalities between sex and food. Both are nourishing. Both are sensual. Both offer variety. And don’t forget the words used to describe food and sex are often interchangeable!

The interplay of Food Play

This week over in social media (find it here) I’ve been talking about food and sex. Food and sex can be used for pleasure, nourishment, and experimentation. Food play, often refers to sitophilia, is a form of sexual fetishism in which participants are aroused by erotic situations involving food. The phrase can also refer to non-sexual play with food, such as food displays that are decorative or playful, and joy of preparing food. Then there’s the aphrodisiac side of food; foods that purport to increase sexual arousal or pleasure. And if we can believe that a food can increase sexual arousal, then we must also believe that food can decrease sexual arousal. For example, back in Ancient Rome, the Romans believed that lettuce immediately rendered men impotent.

Guidelines for Food Play

If want to incorporate food play into your sex life, here are some basic guidelines to keep it spicy and safe. 

Consent

Have consent from your partner before introducing food. Have the conversation far in advance, talking about the pros and cons of the idea. Ask about foods that are unsavory to your partner or that trigger allergies.

Containment

Keep food away from genitalia. The risk of infections, skin irritations or lost food is too great a risk. Plus there are plenty of food safe erogenous zones above the waist. Only exception would be plain ice.

Check it out

Use foods that invite all the senses. This isn’t just about taste. Use foods that have variety of texture, temperature, and taste. Alternate between sweet and spicy, and warm and spicy.

Contact

Use your mouth. Oral sex isn’t just about mouth to genital contact. Be creative with your mouth as you use food in the safe zones. Lick, suck, nibble. And be sure your mouth is empty of food before moving to the genitalia too.

Create a Plan

Be prepared. Have the food items nearby. Use bedsheets or towels that you don’t mind getting dirty. Have clean up supplies available if necessary. Ideally clean up is part of play (see number 4) but if you need a bit more clean up before moving on, have rags, wipes or the like nearby. And don’t forget the usual preparations of lube and condoms, or toys.

Celebrate

Have fun. Sex is about the pleasure, the experience, the fun. Food play doesn’t have to be intimidating. Start small and as the experience draws you in, expand the foods and play that you welcome into the bed.

Bon Appetit and Be Well! 

What I learned as a sex therapist

I haven’t always been a traditional therapist.

My early career was spent working with the justice involved population. From roles of monitoring and supervising, to assessment and treatment. Years later I became your typical therapist; sitting in a comfy chair empathetically listening to clients. My role as a sex therapist ranges from topics regarding sex play, building desire, and healthy self pleasure, to compulsive sexual behaviors and sexual offending treatment. In my over 20 years I have discovered a lot about people, and a lot about me. Here are some discoveries i’ve uncovered while working as a sex therapist.

Leave you at the door

When entering the field of counseling and therapy, just as in any field, you need to be sure this is what you want. Admittedly there are a variety of potential career paths to take as a therapist, so the options exist if you need a change. As a grad student a few of the tenants of therapy is to be nonjudgmental, nonmaleficence (do no harm) and create beneficence (do good). I like to think of this as leaving ‘me’ outside so that I can create space for the client. The less I bring me in, the more I am able to listen openly and with genuineness. As a sex therapist, i am to listen.

Expect the unexpected

I recall people being surprised that I would be working with the justice involved population, let alone people convicted of a sexual offense. Maybe it’s because i was so young? Whatever the reason, guess I just didn’t match their expectations. The point is that the same idea applies to my clients. I can’t have a preconceived idea of who they are or what they represent. Whether they are involved in the legal system or want hotter sex with their partner. I don’t know their story. I don’t know their needs and goals for therapy. As a sex therapist, I am to be a compassionate ally.

Learn to laugh

Yes, really. Therapy isn’t always serious. Laughter sometimes is the best medicine and it can be very therapeutic when talking about sex. Clients bring in their embarrassing stories, learn a new term or slang, share a meme. As a sex therapist, i am to balance levity with lightheartedness.

Choose knowledge

I am a firm believer that therapy is a place of education just as much as a place for healing. So let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s talk about anatomy and desire. Let’s talk about fantasies and sex toys. Let’s talk about learning to create plans that prevent future victims. As a sex therapist, I am to educate.

I’ll admit that when i graduated I didn’t envision myself being a sex therapist; I have no regrets!

Top 5 Boundaries for Your Total Wellness

Boundaries— a common topic within therapy sessions, conversations, blog posts and social media. Let’s just start with a working definition of boundaries though. According to the dictionary, boundaries are lines that mark the limits to an area; a limit to a subject of sphere. A psychological definition is similar but it is applied personally. They are limits set on how we respond, act, engage with other people, and how they respond, act and engage with us. Boundaries typically originate from our experiences and observations, both past and present. We can look at boundary setting in two ways; as fences and gates.

Fences + Gates

Have you ever had an unproductive conversation with a coworker? You may have to set a new boundary to have conversations in person rather than email.

Ever leave a family gathering feeling emotional drained? You may have to create a boundary that you’re unwilling to be the listening ear for others while sacrificing your fun.

Ever feel like you’re lost your connection to friends? Maybe the boundary is to open your calendar to say ‘yes’ more.

Boundaries can be like fences, limiting others’ access to us and our energy. Or they can be like gates, where we allow a controlled amount of access to ourselves and our energy. Boundaries can be set in any relationship—intimate partners, friends, family, professional—and are malleable. We can establish or reestablish them based on our current life experiences and observations.

Top 5 boundaries for your total wellness

Here are the top 5 categories of boundaries commonly discussed in therapy:

1. Relationships. Labeling or defining the relationship, sexuality and intimacy.

2. Time. Saying yes when you mean no. Being expected to participate or help despite not being consulted on your availability.

3. Being the fixer/savior. If you are always being asked to problem solve for others, you may be their savior. jack of all trades types that everyone relies on.

4. Your body. What you wear, how you look, comment from others, etc

5. Family. Presence and participation in family activities, traditions and values that no longer align with yours.

Any ring a bell for you? Setting boundaries in these areas can be hard if we’ve not felt the need or even opened our mind to the benefits they bring. To get started, evaluate recent situations where you felt uneasy or unsatisfied. What contributed to that feeling? Look back to text messages, social media posts, or even screen shots, and memes you sent around that same time. These can be hints to what we were feeling/thinking during that situation.

As Brene Brown states, “Daring to set boundaries is about loving ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” The more clarity and certainty you have about your boundaries, the more consistent you will be enforcing your them with others.

Be Well!