What I learned as a sex therapist

I haven’t always been a traditional therapist.

My early career was spent working with the justice involved population. From roles of monitoring and supervising, to assessment and treatment. Years later I became your typical therapist; sitting in a comfy chair empathetically listening to clients. My role as a sex therapist ranges from topics regarding sex play, building desire, and healthy self pleasure, to compulsive sexual behaviors and sexual offending treatment. In my over 20 years I have discovered a lot about people, and a lot about me. Here are some discoveries i’ve uncovered while working as a sex therapist.

Leave you at the door

When entering the field of counseling and therapy, just as in any field, you need to be sure this is what you want. Admittedly there are a variety of potential career paths to take as a therapist, so the options exist if you need a change. As a grad student a few of the tenants of therapy is to be nonjudgmental, nonmaleficence (do no harm) and create beneficence (do good). I like to think of this as leaving ‘me’ outside so that I can create space for the client. The less I bring me in, the more I am able to listen openly and with genuineness. As a sex therapist, i am to listen.

Expect the unexpected

I recall people being surprised that I would be working with the justice involved population, let alone people convicted of a sexual offense. Maybe it’s because i was so young? Whatever the reason, guess I just didn’t match their expectations. The point is that the same idea applies to my clients. I can’t have a preconceived idea of who they are or what they represent. Whether they are involved in the legal system or want hotter sex with their partner. I don’t know their story. I don’t know their needs and goals for therapy. As a sex therapist, I am to be a compassionate ally.

Learn to laugh

Yes, really. Therapy isn’t always serious. Laughter sometimes is the best medicine and it can be very therapeutic when talking about sex. Clients bring in their embarrassing stories, learn a new term or slang, share a meme. As a sex therapist, i am to balance levity with lightheartedness.

Choose knowledge

I am a firm believer that therapy is a place of education just as much as a place for healing. So let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s talk about anatomy and desire. Let’s talk about fantasies and sex toys. Let’s talk about learning to create plans that prevent future victims. As a sex therapist, I am to educate.

I’ll admit that when i graduated I didn’t envision myself being a sex therapist; I have no regrets!

Top 5 Boundaries for Your Total Wellness

Boundaries— a common topic within therapy sessions, conversations, blog posts and social media. Let’s just start with a working definition of boundaries though. According to the dictionary, boundaries are lines that mark the limits to an area; a limit to a subject of sphere. A psychological definition is similar but it is applied personally. They are limits set on how we respond, act, engage with other people, and how they respond, act and engage with us. Boundaries typically originate from our experiences and observations, both past and present. We can look at boundary setting in two ways; as fences and gates.

Fences + Gates

Have you ever had an unproductive conversation with a coworker? You may have to set a new boundary to have conversations in person rather than email.

Ever leave a family gathering feeling emotional drained? You may have to create a boundary that you’re unwilling to be the listening ear for others while sacrificing your fun.

Ever feel like you’re lost your connection to friends? Maybe the boundary is to open your calendar to say ‘yes’ more.

Boundaries can be like fences, limiting others’ access to us and our energy. Or they can be like gates, where we allow a controlled amount of access to ourselves and our energy. Boundaries can be set in any relationship—intimate partners, friends, family, professional—and are malleable. We can establish or reestablish them based on our current life experiences and observations.

Top 5 boundaries for your total wellness

Here are the top 5 categories of boundaries commonly discussed in therapy:

1. Relationships. Labeling or defining the relationship, sexuality and intimacy.

2. Time. Saying yes when you mean no. Being expected to participate or help despite not being consulted on your availability.

3. Being the fixer/savior. If you are always being asked to problem solve for others, you may be their savior. jack of all trades types that everyone relies on.

4. Your body. What you wear, how you look, comment from others, etc

5. Family. Presence and participation in family activities, traditions and values that no longer align with yours.

Any ring a bell for you? Setting boundaries in these areas can be hard if we’ve not felt the need or even opened our mind to the benefits they bring. To get started, evaluate recent situations where you felt uneasy or unsatisfied. What contributed to that feeling? Look back to text messages, social media posts, or even screen shots, and memes you sent around that same time. These can be hints to what we were feeling/thinking during that situation.

As Brene Brown states, “Daring to set boundaries is about loving ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” The more clarity and certainty you have about your boundaries, the more consistent you will be enforcing your them with others.

Be Well!

Self Love: and what can get in the way

There are two initial responses when people hear the term self love.  Either you’re in the “love thyself and self improvement” camp, or you’re in the “pleasure thyself and sex positive” camp. The truth is, you can pitch your tent in both camps because they are connected.

 Attachment and the ANS

From an infancy we are developing our connection with ourselves and others. Through the works of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth we’ve learned about attachment theory. That the security and safety we felt as children contribute to the way in which we interact with the world around as adults. As children when we received comfort from a caregiver we felt secure and loved. When that comfort was absent or given inconsistently we tend to feel insecure in interpersonal connections and have greater difficulty in achieving feelings of safety. This fosters self reliance and dependence on self soothing behaviors, often in maladaptive or hurtful ways.

Pair this attachment style with our ANS (autonomic nervous system) functioning and we can find ourselves with relationship struggles, self doubt, or even a vacancy of love for self. The ANS is the part of our nervous system that helps us distinguish between safety and danger. According to the Polyvagal Theory (by Stephen Porges and Deb Dana) we can find ourselves in three stages of activation: ventral vagal (safety and connection with others), sympathetic state (flight or fight), and dorsal vagal (parasympathetic state or freeze). When we are more frequently in the sympathetic and parasympathetic (dorsal vagal) states, we are more concerned about self protection than about self love. Although maybe protecting oneself is a sign of love? 

Overthinking it a little? 

In her book, Self Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, Kristin Neff, PhD. describes the tendency to find fault, guilt or flaws in who we are (shame) and in our behaviors (guilt). This tendency is the antithesis of compassion and prevents us from finding forgiveness and the ability to love ourselves more generously and compassionately. In today’s society we are bombarded with the best versions of people; through social media, movies and magazines, and even when chatting within our friend groups. This breeds comparisons and, as the saying goes, can steal our joy. That is, if you believe there is joy to be had in the first place. Too often our inner self doubt and harsh self judgments show up in how we present to others. For example, making a disparaging statement about our performance in the work presentation because it’s better for us to dis ourselves first than to experience to sting of criticisms from others. 

These constant negative thoughts, doubts, judgments, comparisons and critiques can keep us in our heads and not in our body. Even when we are feeling sexy or attractive or sensual, our negative self talk can ruin the mood. Getting out of our head and into our body can be extremely helpful. Practicing yoga, mindfulness, progressive muscle relaxation, or meditation are all techniques that move our awareness from our mind and into our present body. 

Get your sexy back

So here we are, in that other camp of self pleasure and sex positivity. You can skip this section if it’s not your flavor; I won’t even know. Self stimulation is one of many ways you can pleasure yourself (i.e. masturbation). But since I’m a sexologist, sex talk is what I’m good at. First, not every one masturbates. But according to this 2019 study, a whopping 84% do masturbate and do it to satisfy sexual urges, experience pleasure or to relax. It’s important to note here that reaching orgasm is not the goal; it happens - about 59% for men and 42% for women all the time – but is often not the goal. Second, more often for women than men, the pleasure needs to start before the sex. Meaning, when you can set the scene – sounds, scents, lights, texture – that put you in the mood you’re increasing the likelihood of feeling good and creates more pleasurable self love experiences. 

Lastly, here is where the rubber meets the road (pun intended!). If we have difficulty connecting because of an insecure or anxious attachment style, because we have trauma related to sexual experiences, or ruminate in self doubt even in the most sensual environments, we are going to struggle with finding self-pleasuring love satisfying.

How to love thyself

 I can’t give you step-by-step instructions on how to love yourself; only you can do that. I can however encourage you to experiment. Read some books. Talk to a therapist. Find healing in your 4 pillars of wellness. Practice mindfulness. Touch yourself in a nonsexual way. Practice giving yourself nurturing touches, such as hugging yourself, or gently caressing your cheek when agitated. Practice positive self talk and self compassion.

Here’s to finding a new love; yourself. 

Be Well.  

A Few of My Favorite Things

How many of you are now humming that song from the Sound of Music? I may have done that intentionally because it is one of my favorite movies this time of year (White Christmas starring Bing Crosby is the other). Read through to the end to learn why the song and movie is associated with Christmas. I know that you are so eager to learn about some of my favorite things, so here goes.

Therapy

Okay okay, i’m not biased on this I promise! Participating in therapy is a great tool for so many to find healing, solutions, restore confidence and learn new skills. According to a NAMI report 21% of U.S. adults experienced mental illness in 2020; that’s 52.9 million people, or 1 in 5 adults. Of those adults 46% received treatment. We can undoubtedly guess that during the global pandemic of 2020 these numbers in mental health and therapy needs increased from 2019. What was once very taboo has become a bit more normalized. Thanks in part to the Gen Z-ers who are very vocal about participating in therapy, to the influx of social media posts by lay persons and professionals related to therapeutic benefits. Here’s a tidbit that you may not know; even therapists have therapist. It’s our role to leave our worries outside the therapy room door so that we can be fully present for you. But that means we need someone to helps us process it all too.

Supplements

Let me be very clear before I start talking about this. I am not a licensed medical practitioner, but I am a certified health coach, so always consult your medical practitioner before starting a new supplement. If you want more information about the health coaching I offer, check out the page on my website. Based upon my own experiences using supplements paired with my training as a health coach, there are a few supplements that have proven to be valuable in improving moods, maintaining a healthy brain, and healthy lifestyle.

First up is omega fats. I am not a fish eater; in fact my motto as a child was ‘nothing from the sea.’ This has since changed and I now love mollusks and shellfish. However shellfish does not offer me the healthy omega 3 fats that come from cold water fish (e.g., salmon). Other healthy fats in the omega 6 + 9 variety are more prevalent in my daily diet. So I supplement with omega 3-6-9 pills. This article provides more details on the differences, sources and importance of taking omega fats in supplement form. Other supplements I highly recommend is magnesium and turmeric. Turmeric has many health benefits, the most notable is that it’s a natural anti-inflammatory and antioxidant. Additional benefits include improvements in brain health related to depression and prevention of Alzheimers (source). Lastly is magnesium, essential for brain and body health. It’s the most abundant mineral found in the body yet you’re likely not getting enough through your diet. Check out Dr. James DiNicolantonio’s videos on magnesium here and here.

Pets

If you’ve sat in my office or been in my virtual office, you’ve likely seen my cat. As ornery as she is, my cat is a calming force when I come home. She loves snuggles, has anxious attachment tendencies (is that possible in animals?!) and is a big talker, as are most Siamese cats. Owning a pet certainly comes with disadvantages (financial cost or clean up), yet more and more people own pets. Over half (57%) of the population owns at least one pet (source) which tells us there’s got to be something good for us about owning a pet. One study in particular looked at the wellbeing of owners, conducting 3 separate studies to find their conclusions. Improvements were more significant than originally proposed proving that owning a pet increases the social support aspect of the owner. Consider how many people you have become close with at the dog park because the dogs are playing together! Other benefits more commonly discussed from pet ownership include, reduction in depressive and anxious symptoms, improved self esteem, and increased physical activity. Considering getting a pet? Be sure to do your research on all the expectations and responsibilities of pet ownership. Plus there are opportunities for interactions with pets without the ownership responsibilities through volunteering at a shelter, working with therapy animal trainers, etc.

Laughter

You’ve heard the saying, laughter is the best medicine? And I’m guessing that you’ve even experienced the perks of laughter after a game night with friends. But just how good for you is it to laugh? The idea that laughter as medicine became a subject of interest in 1979 when Norman Cousins spoke about it’s analgesic effects on his own illness is his book An Anatomy of an Illness. Since then multiple studies have shown the psychological benefits of laughter; improving affect, reduction of depression and anxiety symptoms to name a few. In more recent years however there is growing evidence that laughter even has physiological benefits. This article outlines more of the details of the studies conducted. Suffice it to say that you could prescribe laughter for yourself and reap the psychological and physiological benefits. Creating a new weekly habit for 30-minutes belly laughing, a great way to share!

Looking ahead

Now that you’ve had a peak into a few of my favorite things, let’s return to the history of the song. Various stories suggest that the fame of the song, A Few of My Favorite Things, is because of Julie Andrews singing the song on The Garry Moore holiday special back in 1961 before the movie came out in 1964. Another story is that the song was created and performed to be a Billboard hit in preparation for the release of the Sound of Music movie in 1964. Still another story is that the tv stations wanted family friendly movies aired during the holidays when families were most often coming together, and Sound of Music was an easy choice. So as this year draws to a close in the coming weeks, I hope that you will embrace a few of your favorite things and share with others. May your smile be bright, your holidays be peaceful and your hearts be overflowing. Be Well!