If you are following the blog, last week (click here for a peek) we talked about the top 5 common boundaries that are discussed in therapy. Certainly couldn’t include every area of boundaries because the range for each individual varies. For example, financial boundaries is another area that didn’t make the list. Not because it isn’t as important; it’s just not as common a theme in our practice. And that’s the point. Boundaries are personal.

Each one of you reading this blog today has unique life experiences, unique relationships, goals, and values. So each boundary you establish if going to be just as unique. If you need some guidance on creating boundaries, keep reading for 4 basic steps. And remember to personalize each of them!

Step 1 - Seek Clarity

Clarity is essential here. Knowing what you want for yourself and knowing why you want it. It’s not necessary for you to share the why with anyone else; though it may help the other person understand. More of that in step 2. This part is for you. Replay recent situations that created some ick feelings and review what it was that might have caused it.

Did someone make an unsolicited comment about your body or appearance? Did someone try to convince you that you were wrong or challenge your beliefs? Did someone use language about someone you care about that was hurtful and/or disrespectful? Once you can pinpoint the concern, you can identify what you want instead. This is where your clarity emerges.

Step 2- Set the boundary

Here you have two options: you can set the boundary in advance or you can bring it up when needed. Which ever method you choose, here’s how to make it effective.

Be direct. This is not a time for ambiguity. Provide an example or the why if you can.

Be firm. You’ve determined what the boundary is and it’s not open for negotiation. This is about you, not them.

Be respectful. This can become a charged conversation, so maintain respect for the other person(s) and yourself in this situation. Be cognizant to how you may feel before, during, and after the conversation.

Step 3- Say it again

When setting new boundaries, you may need to repeat it again and again. And again. The other person(s) may need clarity or direction from you as the set boundary is generalized to other situations. The same repetition can be helpful for you as you learn to stand firm in your boundaries.

On the other hand, there may be resistance from others. When that happens, return to step 2. Be direct. Be firm. Be respectful. When you set boundaries you are honoring yourself. There may come a time that you may have to distance yourself from others because they are not honoring you. If/when that happens, it will be hard, and you will be okay.

Step 4- Settle into Wellness

You’ve arrived at a new, more confident sense of your self, and your self worth. Why? Because you listened to what you needed, you spoke up, and you stood firm. Boundaries foster our relationships by showing up for ourselves and instructing those around us how we want them in our lives. Boundaries are avenues to let people safely into our lives, hearts and minds. Through struggle, we grow. Through growth, we learn. Through learning, we achieve. And through achievement, we are well.

Be Well.