How are you?

The most common question asked today by friends, family, strangers, customer services reps; the list goes on and on. But how do we know when and what to say in response to this question? There are a few factors to consider, like who is asking, how much time do you have, and do you want to engage in a full conversation.

I feel…

In order to accurately share your current state, one must first fully know in fact how they are doing. We can do this by paying attention to our physical sensations and body language to identify your feelings. Check out my short video on how to successfully identify your feelings.

When you’re stressed or anxious it’s common to want to minimize the sharing of those details with others for fear that they may judge you for your stress levels (“she really doesn’t have her stuff together like I thought she did.”) or that maybe you’re exaggerating the severity (‘they must have low tolerance because that wouldn’t bother me!”). You may not want to share because it’s confidential or sensitive information, or that the other person may take it as an opportunity to one-up or problem solve for you. In the end, it’s your decision to share honestly. If you choose to, here are some benefits and tips to make it productive and keep it honest.

Sharing helps alleviate physical symptoms

• Persons experiencing stress from daily life often find themselves also experiencing increased physical ailments (headaches, irritable stomach, shoulder/back pain, clumsiness). By minimizing and or avoiding the information our body is telling us, we are essentially telling ourselves that we know better than our body.

• Our mind and body are intricately interconnected and most times our body tells us something is wrong long before our brain catches up.

• The longer we avoid or delay addressing the stressors the more physical ailments or damage may be done to our whole body. Think about the last time you were stressed, we may reach for the pint of ice cream or bag of chips, or alcohol. Sometimes even over exercising is harmful rathe than helpful. When we have honest acceptance with our own thoughts and feelings the greater the results will be for our mind and body, our relationships and performance.

Sharing helps us feel connected

• First and foremost by allowing ourselves to accept that we are stressed we can reduce our stress levels! By hiding, avoiding or minimizing our stress (from ourselves and from others) takes a lot of effort and energy. The less we spend on hiding it the more effort we have available to address it.

• We tend to believe that we are the only person(s) experiencing the stress or symptoms of stress which in turn leads us to believing that we are weaker than others, or even consider ourselves a failure at living a happy life. By sharing honestly with others that we are experiencing stress, normalizes it for us and for them. We might find a comrade in our stress and a partner in our efforts to reduce it.

• When we keep stress and stress thoughts to ourselves we can exaggerate them. As the car mirrors state, objects may seem close than they appear, when we hold onto these stress thoughts and feelings, we may see them as much more unmanageable or insurmountable than they really are. Share a stressor and find out that it’s more of a mole hill than a mountain,

Sure there are benefits, physically and mentally, in sharing our stress but how do we share it in a healthy and productive way?

How-to’s on answering honestly when stressed

1. The best way to begin is to take the first step-- accept that you are stressed about something and identify clearly what that is. Sometimes writing about it first (journaling) can help clarify what the root of the stress may be. Then tell yourself, out loud, “I’m stressed about _____ and I’m going to be okay.”

2. Be clear on whom you are willing to share the information. Keep in mind the situation (time and place) and the relationship (is it the floor clerk at the shoe store or your best friend).

3. Instead of saying, “I’m fine” try starting with saying "Thanks for asking", then add...

   • “I’ve got a lot on my plate right now and I’m learning how to manage it.”

   • You could say, “I’m handling all my responsibilities as best I can while taking care of myself.”

   • Or even “Life/work/family is causing me to feel ____ and I need to ________.”

4. Or try asking for help by saying, “I’m a bit overwhelmed and I could use some help with___.” Be specific in what you need help with. The more unclear or uncertain you are the less likely you are to secure the help, and stress relief, that you need.

5. Be brief. Depending on the relationship with the person asking, they may try to solve your problem for you or validate your stress and share their own (or worse one-up you). You may even find that the person asking either doesn’t really want to know the answer they’re just being polite or they become uncomfortable with your honesty and try to change the subject.

Honestly responding to the question, “how are you?” can be liberating! Try it out and let me know how it goes!